My Pain

We all have secrets. 

We all have scars.

We all have things in our past we don't like to share. 

We all cope with things differently. 

Some of us bottle it up. 

Some go to therapy. 

Some write about it in song and use it to reach out. 

Some hurt themselves. 

I'm part of the last group.

When I was a teenager, my family underwent a HUGE change that turned my life upside down. We became missionaries and started traveling everywhere, raising support, living in so many different houses and states. 

It was hard. I hated it. I was miserable, not having many long-term friends (it's just so hard to keep up, even though it was possible to do).

Desperate for control, I turned to the only thing I, in my naive teenage mind, knew how to control: I started hurting myself. It started off small, purposely running into things and getting bruises. Things I could write off as me being a klutz. I never did it for attention; I did it to rebel, though it was more a silent rebellion than anything else.

It escalated quickly, though...and I went down the dark, dangerous path of cutting. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, I just wanted to have a choice about something that happened in my life for once. 

When it was discovered at college (though I can't remember how anyone found out), I had to have weekly exams by the nurse to make sure I wasn't still involved in it, but I found ways around that. 

Then I ended up at the hospital because of very concerned professors (who were right to do what they did) and the doctors wanted to put me on anti-depressants. I refused. They wanted me to go in weekly for therapy. I refused that also. (Have I mentioned that I'm stubborn and was wildly rebellious way too often?)

Meanwhile, I would cut myself almost habitually and for the smallest of reasons. I would take anything that happened and turn it into something that was, in my eyes, worthy of physical pain.

Christmas break came and I did what I could to hide my scars from my parents, all while slowly sinking further into myself. I was, again, miserable and not sure what to do about it or how to change.

I started talking to a friend who asked me if I knew I was a Christian. I couldn't answer that question honestly, so he called me and helped me realize how important it was for me to surrender to Christ. I could absolutely feel a battle waging inside me while he was talking to me. I so wanted to open my heart to Jesus and let go of the hurt, lies, and sin I was wallowing in, but I was terrified. Change is scary! I'm so thankful that my eyes were opened and that night, Christ became the Savior of my heart. What a difference it made immediately!

But when I went back to school, it was so hard to not get sucked back into that lifestyle. I would stay up for hours at night, crying hysterically and unable to stop; I had headaches ALL THE TIME from crying, and I didn't have very many friends I could talk to about it.

God is good, though, and He brought some awesome people into my life who helped me through it all. 

It's been a long, hard road since then, and I had quite a few relapses. The temptation to cut will almost always be there but I've learned to distract myself from it (running, yoga, being honest to people when I'm struggling). 

If you're reading this and have, yourself, gone down that dark, dangerous path, please know this: there's hope! You don't have to be stuck living like that! I want to strongly encourage you to get help. Talk to someone you trust. Don't try to get through it alone!

My name is Emily. I'm not proud of my past and I have scars I can't hide, but I'm proof that change is possible.

Kansas City

Photo courtesy of an unknown stranger.

I LOVE MY CITY. I'm ridiculously proud to live here and, despite all the places I've lived, will claim this as my hometown no matter where else I move.

Kansas City is where I learned the most about myself, about what I stand for and that I need to respect other people's opinions - even when they're different from mine.

I learned that I'm a runner, that I love yoga, and that running with friends is the way to go!

I learned that spending time with friends is the best. We don't need to do anything spectacular or insane,  spend any money, or even go out. Just investing in those relationships in any way is important.

I learned (after I moved out) that living close to family is just about the biggest blessing there is. Treasure it.

I learned that you're absolutely never too old to learn something new. As long as you're alive, you can and should keep growing, trying, and learning.

I learned that carrying a notebook around and writing down everything is a fantastic way to learn and grow!

I learned that girl's night is awesome and should be recognized as an official holiday.

I learned that free community events (Free Friday Night Flicks and Celebration at the Station to be specific) are an awesome way to get to know new people and to appreciate this community!

I learned that writing letters is so much fun and rewarding and that Polaroid cameras are fun and wonderful. Perfect for instantly reminiscing.

I learned that "I'll Be Home For Christmas" will always make me tear up and will mean even more to me after I move to Louisiana. (And since I'm talking about Christmas music, "Silver Bells" and "Sleigh Ride," both by Relient K, are the best versions I've heard. Ever.)

I learned that Union Station and Crown Center are THE places to go for gorgeous Christmas decorations!

And most importantly, I learned to enjoy the little moments. The happy memories. The times with friends and family that make you smile. The things that, when you look back, can help you get through a tough time.

All that to say that...you're a great place, Kansas City! I miss it here already!

Forgiveness

I haven't posted anything for a little while. I've had a lot on my mind and in my life...a lot to take in, wrap my head around, contemplate, rethink. A lot that I wasn't wanting or planning to spend time thinking about. Basically, I've realized that if you want to survive life, you need to let things go. You need to have a forgiving heart.

Profound, right?

Even as I write this, I have to force myself to not cling to the hurts of the past.
But the fact is, people will hurt you. Deeply.

How will you let it change you?
Will you become bitter? Hateful?
Will you become a gossip?
Is that hurt the ONLY thing you talk about?
Will you let it steal your joy?

That's how I let it change me.

I quickly became the type of person I can't stand. The type who links everything that happens ever back to my hurt. And man, that is exhausting and stressful!
But you know what? I learned something over the past couple of weeks.
I learned that it's so much better to not hold on to the hurt...or the bitterness...or the habits of gossiping.
I learned I was hurting myself by being so awful.
And I was reminded of how humbling, freeing, and redemptive it is to ask another human for forgiveness.

What a feeling! How beautiful to experience such grace!
I want to encourage you gently: do away with those ways of being swallowed by bitterness, hatred, gossip, etc. If you've wronged someone, even without them knowing it, confess it to them and ask for their forgiveness. You'll realize that you're the one who's set free!

The Digital Age: Captured
(ps, check out this beautiful song. Be captured by His love.)