New Everything

Growing up is hard to do. Making your own life decisions is tricky. Why can't I be as confident about things as my parents always are??

I'm about to embark on the biggest life decision/change/adventure I've EVER had. At least, that I've ever made for myself!

And while I'm equal parts crazy excited and terrified out of my mind, the hardest thing for me is realizing things will never, ever be the same. Yeah, I'll still be friends with people and Kansas City will hopefully always be here (Hey, weird things happen! Ever hear of a little city called Atlantis?), the dynamics will change drastically. Although, they would've changed anyways because everyone seems to be getting married and/or having kids…

I'll be honest, one of my biggest fears about moving to a different city is finding things. No, not finding my way around; I have an excellent sense of direction…and by that, I mean I have a gps. I don't want to have to find my new favorite grocery store, theater, gas station, route for running, book store, or place to go to relax. I don't want to have to find a new church. I don't want to make new friends…okay, I'm not so against that. I love meeting new people! But what I'm trying to say is: I already have all those things: I just want to bring them with me! COME ON!

But that's the thing about growing up. People change. Things change. No matter what, change is always creeping up on us. It's creepy like that. And really, it's only through change that we grow and mature and find out who we are. If it weren't for changing and growing up, I'd still be the pastor's kid who smuggles frogs into church in her purse!

So in the end, change is good…but it's such a pain, that I don't like it. Not at first, anyways.

Oh, and a couple fun facts about Lake Charles:
First the bad news - Ever see The Princess and the Frog? I have. Unfortunately, that's not what Louisiana is really like. People don't walk around singing while wearing their finest clothes, everyone doesn't live in a mansion (I realize they didn't in the movie, but I was still hoping they did), alligators don't talk, and frogs don't turn into princes. I see now how unrealistic my expectations were.
And now the good news - Alligators and crocodiles aren't just wandering around all over town. That really eases my mind!

I am very much looking forward to moving and I know I'll adjust. Eventually. :)

My Pain

We all have secrets. 

We all have scars.

We all have things in our past we don't like to share. 

We all cope with things differently. 

Some of us bottle it up. 

Some go to therapy. 

Some write about it in song and use it to reach out. 

Some hurt themselves. 

I'm part of the last group.

When I was a teenager, my family underwent a HUGE change that turned my life upside down. We became missionaries and started traveling everywhere, raising support, living in so many different houses and states. 

It was hard. I hated it. I was miserable, not having many long-term friends (it's just so hard to keep up, even though it was possible to do).

Desperate for control, I turned to the only thing I, in my naive teenage mind, knew how to control: I started hurting myself. It started off small, purposely running into things and getting bruises. Things I could write off as me being a klutz. I never did it for attention; I did it to rebel, though it was more a silent rebellion than anything else.

It escalated quickly, though...and I went down the dark, dangerous path of cutting. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, I just wanted to have a choice about something that happened in my life for once. 

When it was discovered at college (though I can't remember how anyone found out), I had to have weekly exams by the nurse to make sure I wasn't still involved in it, but I found ways around that. 

Then I ended up at the hospital because of very concerned professors (who were right to do what they did) and the doctors wanted to put me on anti-depressants. I refused. They wanted me to go in weekly for therapy. I refused that also. (Have I mentioned that I'm stubborn and was wildly rebellious way too often?)

Meanwhile, I would cut myself almost habitually and for the smallest of reasons. I would take anything that happened and turn it into something that was, in my eyes, worthy of physical pain.

Christmas break came and I did what I could to hide my scars from my parents, all while slowly sinking further into myself. I was, again, miserable and not sure what to do about it or how to change.

I started talking to a friend who asked me if I knew I was a Christian. I couldn't answer that question honestly, so he called me and helped me realize how important it was for me to surrender to Christ. I could absolutely feel a battle waging inside me while he was talking to me. I so wanted to open my heart to Jesus and let go of the hurt, lies, and sin I was wallowing in, but I was terrified. Change is scary! I'm so thankful that my eyes were opened and that night, Christ became the Savior of my heart. What a difference it made immediately!

But when I went back to school, it was so hard to not get sucked back into that lifestyle. I would stay up for hours at night, crying hysterically and unable to stop; I had headaches ALL THE TIME from crying, and I didn't have very many friends I could talk to about it.

God is good, though, and He brought some awesome people into my life who helped me through it all. 

It's been a long, hard road since then, and I had quite a few relapses. The temptation to cut will almost always be there but I've learned to distract myself from it (running, yoga, being honest to people when I'm struggling). 

If you're reading this and have, yourself, gone down that dark, dangerous path, please know this: there's hope! You don't have to be stuck living like that! I want to strongly encourage you to get help. Talk to someone you trust. Don't try to get through it alone!

My name is Emily. I'm not proud of my past and I have scars I can't hide, but I'm proof that change is possible.

Kansas City

Photo courtesy of an unknown stranger.

I LOVE MY CITY. I'm ridiculously proud to live here and, despite all the places I've lived, will claim this as my hometown no matter where else I move.

Kansas City is where I learned the most about myself, about what I stand for and that I need to respect other people's opinions - even when they're different from mine.

I learned that I'm a runner, that I love yoga, and that running with friends is the way to go!

I learned that spending time with friends is the best. We don't need to do anything spectacular or insane,  spend any money, or even go out. Just investing in those relationships in any way is important.

I learned (after I moved out) that living close to family is just about the biggest blessing there is. Treasure it.

I learned that you're absolutely never too old to learn something new. As long as you're alive, you can and should keep growing, trying, and learning.

I learned that carrying a notebook around and writing down everything is a fantastic way to learn and grow!

I learned that girl's night is awesome and should be recognized as an official holiday.

I learned that free community events (Free Friday Night Flicks and Celebration at the Station to be specific) are an awesome way to get to know new people and to appreciate this community!

I learned that writing letters is so much fun and rewarding and that Polaroid cameras are fun and wonderful. Perfect for instantly reminiscing.

I learned that "I'll Be Home For Christmas" will always make me tear up and will mean even more to me after I move to Louisiana. (And since I'm talking about Christmas music, "Silver Bells" and "Sleigh Ride," both by Relient K, are the best versions I've heard. Ever.)

I learned that Union Station and Crown Center are THE places to go for gorgeous Christmas decorations!

And most importantly, I learned to enjoy the little moments. The happy memories. The times with friends and family that make you smile. The things that, when you look back, can help you get through a tough time.

All that to say that...you're a great place, Kansas City! I miss it here already!

Forgiveness

I haven't posted anything for a little while. I've had a lot on my mind and in my life...a lot to take in, wrap my head around, contemplate, rethink. A lot that I wasn't wanting or planning to spend time thinking about. Basically, I've realized that if you want to survive life, you need to let things go. You need to have a forgiving heart.

Profound, right?

Even as I write this, I have to force myself to not cling to the hurts of the past.
But the fact is, people will hurt you. Deeply.

How will you let it change you?
Will you become bitter? Hateful?
Will you become a gossip?
Is that hurt the ONLY thing you talk about?
Will you let it steal your joy?

That's how I let it change me.

I quickly became the type of person I can't stand. The type who links everything that happens ever back to my hurt. And man, that is exhausting and stressful!
But you know what? I learned something over the past couple of weeks.
I learned that it's so much better to not hold on to the hurt...or the bitterness...or the habits of gossiping.
I learned I was hurting myself by being so awful.
And I was reminded of how humbling, freeing, and redemptive it is to ask another human for forgiveness.

What a feeling! How beautiful to experience such grace!
I want to encourage you gently: do away with those ways of being swallowed by bitterness, hatred, gossip, etc. If you've wronged someone, even without them knowing it, confess it to them and ask for their forgiveness. You'll realize that you're the one who's set free!

The Digital Age: Captured
(ps, check out this beautiful song. Be captured by His love.)

Unbelievable Generosity

This past summer, VBS at my church was also my last week as a nanny for the two greatest boys on earth, Finn and Declan. That was a hard week for me, especially since I've worked with them both for so long! I was already dreading the changes, broken hearted at them moving away from me, and not sure what in the world I was going to do with myself; add to that all the commitments I had with VBS and you can imagine my stress.

Wednesday night of that week, Brian and Holley (Finn and Declan's parents) came up to me after VBS was done for the night and asked if they could talk to me.
"Sure!" I said (for a fun little visual, I was still in costume from the skits. A cape, long skirt, and creepy "evil queen" makeup).
"We know you don't want to leave your family behind. But if you come with us and work for a year, we'll pay you more than we're paying you now. After that, you'd only work part time...and we want to pay for you to go to college for 4 years."
*Me, speechless, looking at them with my jaw dropped while trying to keep my composure*

I was in shock. I'm STILL in shock. I don't even remember what I said after they told me all that. I remember that they told me I didn't have to give them an answer right away. So...I thought about it...prayed about it...talked to some people about it...then, that Saturday (while I was watching Monsters University) I realized I'd be an absolute idiot to turn it down.

So I said yes.

I'm moving to Louisiana the first week of January, 2014.

And my mind is completely blown because of how God has been providing for me in such an awesome way. He's brought me through so many good and bad times, delivered me from the toxic relationships I was in, helped me grow and develop good, godly friendships, and now this. HOW AWESOME IS HE?!?!? Even as I sit here writing this, 3.5 months later, I still can't believe it's real!

Wow, I'm amazed!!

Oh, and in case you were wondering, these are the boys I get to see again in January. I can't wait. :)

(Photos courtesy of my friend Amanda at www.amanda-joy-photography.com. Check it out. She's amazing!)

Grace

 "God's grace has a drenching about it.

A wildness about it.

A white-water, riptide, turn-you-upside-downness about it.

Grace comes after you."

                                                                Max Lucado

Wow. Grace. I love grace! I love the idea of having such a beautiful reminder of God's love and mercies and what He did for the world when He died on the cross! 

I WANT MORE GRACE! 

Dump it on me, God. I'll take all You have, thank You very much! Yes, I sure do love grace. I love the fact that I don't need to be motivated by guilt or fear. I have grace!

And sure, let's show it to others. I have no problem with that...as long as they haven't seriously wronged me! So yes, people that I approve of can have grace shown to them. There's plenty to go around, but seriously, ONLY people that pass my invisible set of rules they should know better than to break. I really don't think that's too much to ask. 

Not gracious of me, you say? How is it my fault that they sinned against me? I sure didn't ask them to! 

Nobody's perfect? Maybe...but I come a lot closer than they do. Obviously!

That's not fair of me? Please don't judge. 

     I'm just going through a lot that you don't even know about. 

     I'm really emotional. 

     I've been struggling a lot lately.

     I haven't been getting enough sleep.

     Work has been so crazy, it's unbelievable.

     I'm so stressed about so many things!

Those are excuses? As if! You don't know me! You don't know my life!

I've sinned against you? When? I was probably just really tired...did I mention I haven't been getting enough sleep?

Ahhh. There it is. My sin is excusable because of my excellent reasoning behind it. Absolutely I still deserve grace! But...do I?

It's obvious that I don't. No one does! However, I'm proud, selfish, arrogant, obnoxious enough to think I do. 

HOW

WRONG

OF

ME.

It doesn't matter how many people have wronged me, how much it hurt, when they did it, or what they did. If I'm going to base how much grace they get on that, and if I'm going to keep track of all those details, then I need to start with myself. 

No, this is not excusing what people have done to hurt me. I've been hurt deeply and the people who did the hurting will never know my pain. And at the same time, it's not excusing what I've done to hurt people...because in the same way, I'll never know how deeply I've hurt others. I'll never be able to feel their pain caused by me at its most intense, unfortunately. 

Thankfully, though, this isn't where the story ends. 

Enter forgiveness and grace. The dynamic duo. A necessity for us to have and the best weapon to fight against bitterness and hatred. Because when you allow bitterness and hatred to creep in and whisper in your ear, you'll just be miserable. Trust me, I know! Once the seed is planted, it's very difficult to uproot. 

I'll never understand grace. In all honesty, it doesn't even make sense to me. But I know I can't live without it...and I sure wouldn't want to.

Have a heart of forgiveness. You'll need to use it often.

Love, even when you only see hate.

Show grace. It's been shown to you, more than you'll ever know. More than you can comprehend. 

"To accept grace is to accept the vow to give it."

                                     Max Lucado

My Family

  I love my family and I'm probably going to become very emotional and cry while writing this, since I'm making plans to be moving soon. I'll let you know if the tears come. :) (Ps: they will.)

  My parents are some of the most incredible people on this earth. They've put up with an insane amount of just plain old mean people who wanted to watch our family fall apart. They fought back, though, and their marriage and our family is stronger than ever. Take that, world! They both have an intense love for their kids, their grandkids, their ministries - both work and church related, and obviously for each other. They give selflessly and taught us all a whole lot about loving Jesus and others, and giving (which some of us had an easier time learning than others. I'm talking about my sister, Amy. She's pretty much perfect.), working hard, and having good attitudes no matter what (some of us had a harder time learning that than others. I'm talking about myself. I'm pretty much the exact opposite of Amy.) No, they're not perfect. They're humans with human problems, even though they usually seem superhuman! 

  My siblings and siblings-in-law are awesome. You WISH they were yours! They're hilarious, incredibly kind, love to quote movies with me, are great at being in pictures, let me hit 2 baseballs for every 100 I fetched, make really weird flavored cookies, spill cinnamon like pros, and my sisters are all almost suspiciously good at volleyball. I am not. I don't know who to blame for that, but it seems strange to me. (Funny story about the movie quotes: I guess we used to sing a LOT, especially at the dinner table, so my parents banned us from doing so. We didn't know what else to do, so instead of talking to each other like normal people, we quoted movie lines at each other. That was our conversation. That was put to an end about a week after it started. I'm not really sure how we communicated with each other after that...) But above all that, they have hearts that are just radiant for Christ. It's a beautiful thing. :)

  And also...I have the cutest niece and nephew in the world. In. The. World.  Don't believe me? Here's the proof!

 

(I don't like to say I told you so...but come on. I totally told you so.)

  So to sum it up: I'm blessed beyond belief to have the family that I have and I'm crazy thankful for each and every one of them! (And also, I surprisingly didn't cry!)

My Inspiration

   I love movies. I feel like that's a huge understatement, but there's really no other way to say it. And although I love a huge variety of movies, I only have a few that truly inspire me and make me believe that my dreams and goals aren't too big. Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium is at the very top of that list. Haven't seen it? Stop reading and find it. Seriously.

 
  I'm not even going to start talking about the acting, even though Dustin Hoffman (who is one of my personal favorites) is absolutely PHENOMENAL! No, I want to tell you about why it's inspiring to me:
  First, this entire movie is quotable. I kid you not, this movie is full of simple wisdom. A few examples-
                         "Your life is an occasion. Rise to it."
                         "May I suggest you stun the world?"
              Molly: "Now we wait."
Mr. Magorium: "No. We Breathe. We Pulse. We Regenerate. Our hearts beat. Our minds create. Our souls ingest. Thirty-seven seconds, well used, is a lifetime."
          and, my personal favorite, this beautiful quote about death:
Mr. Magorium: "When King Lear dies in Act V, do you know what Shakespeare has written? He's written 'He dies.' That's all, nothing more. No fanfare, no metaphor, no brilliant final words. The culmination of the most influential work of dramatic literature is 'He dies.' It takes Shakespeare, a genius, to come up with 'He dies.' And yet every time I read those two words, I find myself overwhelmed with dysphoria. And I know it's only natural to be sad, but not because of the words 'He dies.' but because of the life we saw prior to the words."

(I won't lie, that part never fails to make me tear up. So amazing!)

So apart from those quotes, this movie is about more than being yourself. It's about more than finding yourself. It's about more than being happy. If I had to sum it up, I'd say it's all about realizing what you're capable of...and then utterly and completely exceeding it. Just blowing it out of the water. Stunning the world...and possibly even yourself. And why not? Why settle with getting by? No. Go and stun the world.


To get you motivated to watch this spectacular movie, here's a small clip: King Lear

Enjoy. :)

Running

  My goal has been to post on Mondays, but with the computer/internet problems I've been having, I'll just have to adapt and post whenever I can!
  I want to share a secret with you: I HATE RUNNING. Don't get me wrong, I go running at least 3 times a week...but I hate it so much. I guess I should clarify. I love the idea of running. I love the success I feel when I finish an especially hard or long run. I love when I run a mile more than normal. I love how many races I've done. I love that I think so much about buying new running shoes. I love all the apps, magazines, and running gear I have. But I so very much hate the process.
  Another thing is, I can't seem to avoid injuries. One time, I hadn't even left my parking lot and I had to pick a wedgie...I wasn't looking at the ground, I stepped in a pothole, one leg got stuck behind the other, and down I went. Fully wiped out. Scraped my knee, hand, elbow, and hip. Still finished my run. I know, I'm crazy.

   Then, 2 weeks later, I hadn't even gone 2 blocks, and my ankle just gave out. I stepped on it, it made an awful crunch sound, and I hobbled back home, very angry at the world. You'd think I'd be glad for an excuse to not go running, right? I don't even understand myself anymore.
   I always have to psych myself up and hope I don't talk myself out of it...which is crazy, because this is the ONLY thing I've stuck with consistently over the years! I've been a runner for 2 years now and it's done wonders for my knee problems, my panic attacks, my breathing problems...you guys, I was a mess before I started this weird hobby!
  But yes, here I am 2 years later. A runner. Stronger, happier, healthier...and I know it's something I'll never stop doing. Because I'm psychotic.

  Also, I wanted to brag about one of my awesome running apps: Charity Miles. It's free and definitely a good cause. Go check it out!

My Changes

 As I said before, I am NOT a fan of Facebook. I decided that I'm going to be getting rid of it somewhere between September and January...which will be my transition time to get ready to move to Louisiana (more about that later :))!
 I've also been trying to figure out the best way to keep in touch with everyone, which we've all forgotten to do outside of Facebook (it's convenient, I won't deny it)! I'm going to be investing in a polaroid camera (since I'm a first worlder and I demand instant gratification) and I'll be using my insomnia to my advantage by writing letters when I can't sleep. Easy enough, right? We'll see...
 Until I make all these changes, I'll keep on randomly posting on Facebook, mostly for my Auntie Anne's benefit. :) I love you, Auntie Anne!

My Fresh Start

   I'm so tired of Facebook. Sure, it's great for keeping in touch with old friends, far away friends, and those people you rarely talk to in person. But I've been getting to the point where I'm done with it and ready for something NEW!
  Hence this new blog :)
  I'm going to be using this to share all the new, exciting changes coming up in my life. Awesome changes. Changes that blow my mind and can't be anything but a God-thing!
 
Also, if you're looking for a good read, I highly recommend reading Start by Jon Acuff. Trust me, it's phenomenal. :)

"You don't need to go back in time to be awesome; you just have to start right now.
Regretting that you didn't start earlier is a great distraction from moving on your dream today,
and the reality is that today is earlier than tomorrow."
Jon Acuff
(ps, that's a quote from his book, if you didn't figure that out. You know you want to read it.)