The Rottweiler

When my family and I first moved to Kansas City, we used to explore our neighborhood a TON through taking our dogs on walks. We would often be gone for hours because that was when my mom was big on looking for dropped, forgotten coins, (and sometimes dollar bills) so it worked out that we were homeschooled. (That was just about the nerdiest sentence I've ever written.)

One particularly fine day, we were wandering around, looking for money/walking the dogs. Heidi and I were on one side of the street with Riley and Mom and Rachel were on the other side with Kacee. Let me note: we have small dogs. Riley is a shihtzu, Kacee is a terrier-poodle mix. Neither of them realize how small they are.

We were passing a house that had a fairly large dog on a leash, barking loudly and ferociously, which made us both SO glad it couldn't get at us.

Right after we passed that house, right after we finished saying we were glad leashes were invented, right after the last waves of relief washed over us, we saw it. Trotting towards us from across the street.

A Rottweiler.
Alone.

WE PANICKED.

Heidi picked up Riley, who didn't immediately know what was going on, and turned her back to the dog from The Sandlot. I was frozen, not at all knowing what to do to protect us from the huge, silent dog coming at us.

It picked up its pace, heading straight for Heidi and Riley, which made Heidi start panicking even more (obviously) and she then held our tiny dog over the fence of the yard that was closest to us. (Not the one with the huge, barking, leashed dog) That was when Riley realized what was going on, so he was barking and squirming, trying to get at the monster dog.

The Rottweiler walked right up to Heidi, still not barking or making ANY noise, (and that was somehow more terrifying than if it was barking or growling, because we didn't have a clue what to expect) so Heidi started screaming and I started frantically trying to figure out what I was going to do to protect my sister and my dog. (It all happened so fast, I couldn't even grasp what was happening!)

Then it put its dinner plate-sized front paws on Heidi's back, so Heidi was  bent over double, still screaming, still trying to hold Riley over her head.

The Rottweiler leaned forward, smelled Riley, then got back on all fours and walked back home.

That was it.

It didn't make a single sound, didn't hurt us, didn't do anything except try to make a new friend.

Heidi and I were both so relieved and shaken, we sat down on the curb and started laughing. The picture in my head of her having a Rottweiler on her back is one of my favorite things ever...it's right up there with her floating in the air when I pulled the rug out from underneath her.

The point of this story is, we survived; and not all Rottweilers are vicious attack dogs, waiting to kill! (But I guess that was proven in The Sandlot.)

Monster Spider

As most of you know, I'm a nanny to 2 of the craziest, slightly psychotic little boys on the planet. Finn and Declan. 6 and 2. (I am also crazy and slightly psychotic, so it's a good match. The fights are usually pretty fair.)

I am NOT a fan of bugs of any kind. At all. I don't even like having to touch them through 7 layers of kleenex. It's just gross, okay? What I'm trying to say is, I always made Finn do the bug killing back in Kansas City. He didn't like it...but I was the boss, so he didn't have a choice. (It builds character. Stop complaining.)

The bug killing was different every time.
One time, I handed him a shoe and lifted him up so he could reach the bug above the door.
Sometimes it was both of us throwing things at it from across the room. It was kind of a game, except one we both didn't want to play and also our lives were in jeopardy. (Walk a mile in my shoes and THEN tell me I'm wrong about that)
There were even a couple times where we would show them to Declan (The harmless ones! Calm down!) and he would end up playing with them to death.

Just a lot of good, clean fun!

This one day in particular, though, I was picking up towels in the bathroom and there, nestled snugly inside, RIGHT NEXT TO MY HAND, was a monster spider. If I had to guess...I'd say it was roughly the size of a small child. Roughly. My guess might be off, though, because I threw it and ran away screaming. It all happened so fast!

Naturally, I called Finn to come save my life.

Now, as I said before, he usually hated having to kill the bugs for me. But for some reason, he was SUPER excited to take care of it this time. I don't know what changed, but what happened next was one of the funniest things I'd seen him do up to that point:

He came running in, super pumped up with crazy eyes, shoe in hand, and started smashing the spider over and over. At least 20 times. All while screaming like a warrior.
Then he grabbed some toilet paper, picked the mangled spider corpse up, threw his fist in the air...
And did a victory lap around the house with the spider over his head, yelling triumphantly.

I actually had to chase him down and make him throw it away!

I'm not even kidding when I say: That day, that kid was my hero.

Cookies

Last August before my sister headed back to college, we decided to have a girl's night. I was going to help her finish packing, then we were going to make cookies and watch a movie.

We got her car all loaded up and set to work making some super delicious chocolate chip cookies. Yum!

Now, the most successful cooks...and anyone with a brain...check their ingredient supply before they get started. We may have been a little overly confident (that's a key word in this story) with our cookie making skills though, because we completely blew that off.

Heidi got all the supplies and ingredients and we started measuring and mixing. Everything was going smoothly until we realized we didn't have any brown sugar. (I'd say it went downhill from there, but it pretty much immediately started going downhill, right off the bat.)

We Googled how to substitute for brown sugar, and thankfully we had what we needed to do it! I started measuring the molasses (which is an insanely slow and pain-staking process) and had only done one tablespoon when Heidi knocked my hand away and confidently picked up the molasses bottle.

Heidi: I've got this.
Me: Are you sure? It might be better if we just measure it...
Heidi: No, no. I've done this plenty of times before. Just start measuring the sugar or something.

And before I could stop her, she turned the bottle over and without hesitating, started squeezing molasses into the bowl.

Confidently. Oh, so confidently.

Me: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't you think that's enough?? Heidi, you should maybe stop now!
Heidi: Don't worry. I'm really good at guessing amounts. (She's always so confident!)
Me: Okay, if you're sure...
Heidi: *Looks at me dead in the eye with this weird, confident look in her eye, which freaked me out and shut me up*
Me: Yep, you've got this.

She finally decided there was enough molasses in the bowl. We added everything else and stirred it all up. She tasted some of it and the look on her face didn't give me much hope.

Me: How is it?
Heidi: Hmmm...I think there's something wrong with the recipe...
Me: What? Let me taste it...
Heidi: Well?
Me: Definitely too much molasses. That's disgusting.
Heidi: Oh crap. What should we do??
(At this point, she didn't really care what I thought. She just started throwing more flour, sugar, etc. into the bowl, willy nilly. What started as a single batch turned into a triple batch.)

We stirred it some more...and...
Heidi: Nope. Still gross.

That's when I decided to help out. I knew we needed to have something to help lessen the taste of molasses...but what?

Oatmeal! So I threw some of that in there...and it was STILL gross.
Peanut butter, maybe? Why not? (At this point we were super desperate and ready to be done with these cookies.)

Finally, with the combination of peanut butter and oatmeal, the molasses wasn't as noticeable. To be clear, they were still not good. AT ALL. But they were tolerable.

We baked them, watched our movie in bits and pieces, and tried to force down the occasional cookie.

What started off as a single batch of chocolate chip cookies was now a triple batch of molasses/oatmeal/peanut butter/chocolate chip cookies.
That were gross. (I mean, awful. No one even pretended to like them. They weren't even fake nice about it.)
That my dad didn't even like. (Which says a WHOLE lot about how they tasted.)
That stayed in the freezer for a long, long time. (I think Rachel's the only one who liked them.)
That didn't end up going to college with Heidi. (I can't really blame her!)

What did I learn from this? Basically...to NOT let Heidi deviate from the recipe or have control of substituting ingredients.
And to not make cookies.
Just ever.

Toilet Paper

Growing up in Minnesota, we lived in a fairly large three-level house. Lots of rooms, our basement was a dungeon, and we had a bathroom on each level. For a family of seven, that last part was especially awesome!

During the time that we lived in that house, my brother and I had a very...well...rocky relationship. We're 6 years apart (roughly), he was a teenager and I was in middle school, we are nearly identical with our personalities, and I was the annoying younger sister who was always following him around. Sometimes he was very, very kind and allowed me to be near him when he would hang out with his friends. This usually meant that I had one job: standing in the outfield, shagging baseballs for him and whoever else was playing. I was given two pitches for every one hundred baseballs I brought back to them.

Not two HITS. Two pitches. If I missed them, too bad! Better luck next time!

Another fun activity he would allow me to be involved in was playing basketball. I use the word "playing" loosely. What he would have me do is stand post and he would work on his spin move. That was it. Me, standing in one spot for hours at a time, while he practiced his layups.

I never questioned it, though. I LOVED spending time with him!

Oh, Adam. We were always either best friends or worst enemies.

One day, I was walking past the basement steps when I heard my brother yelling for my mom. I looked around and didn't see her anywhere, so I kept on walking.

"Mom. Mom. MOM. MOOOOOOOOOM!! I NEED TOILET PAPER!"

Oh man...back up. I didn't know what to do! I couldn't see mom from where I was standing and she didn't hear Adam yelling...so that meant she couldn't help him.

It was really too bad, too, because it's the worst to be stranded with no toilet paper and no one to help you. I've been there myself plenty of times, and it sucks.

You're probably thinking, "Emily, you brought him some toilet paper, right? I mean, you could've easily helped your brother out..."

Yeah, I could've.
But I didn't want to.
So I didn't.

So what did I do then? I checked to make sure no one was watching...and I closed the door and walked away.

Oh, calm down. Keep your shirt on. Someone eventually helped him. It just wasn't me.
Because you know what? Sometimes you're on your own in life.
Somedays you're the pigeon, somedays you're the statue.

Public Family Embarrassment (or, Singing in Church)

Before my family and I moved to Kansas City, we traveled around to a bunch of different churches, trying to raise support, as I mentioned once before. Or twice. Details.

We had our service down to a science - from the introductions, to my mom's testimony, to our family song, to my parents' duet, to the power point presentation, to my dad's message.

It all ran fairly smoothly each time. Until the Sunday we decided to not have the music in front of us for the family song.

Let me tell you: you do NOT realize how much you rely on something until it's not there in front of you. It is brutal and super embarrassing and you will never live it down.

Us 3 girls sang the first verse, then my parents dueted (new word) the second verse, then we all sang the last verse together.

It all went downhill by the second line of the first verse.

We started off fine, then Heidi confidently pulled a line from later on in the song and decided to throw it in to the first verse. Rachel and I were stunned. Shocked, even! Did we hear her correctly...? We did!

So of course, I started laughing. Discreetly (yeah, no, there was nothing discreet about it). But I tried to sing through it.

Then Heidi noticed that Rachel was staring at her instead of singing. So Heidi, in front of the church, looked at Rachel and shouted, "SING!"

From that point on, I was useless. I didn't even try to sing anymore.

And by now, we were on the second verse, so I had a bit of time to pull myself together...but I used it to laugh. I couldn't have stopped laughing even if I wanted to.

You know the worst part about laughing in church: YOU CAN'T STOP and there's no such thing as laughing quietly once you start (it's not limited to sitting in a pew. It can apparently affect you on stage, too). No matter what dirty looks your parents give you, how unfunny the situation is (not this one. It was very, very funny.), and regardless of the fact that what happens in church probably wouldn't be funny anywhere else. (Except for this. It would've been funny anywhere, no matter what.)

So there we are. All of us girls laughing. My parents valiantly trying to finish the song. But wait, what's this? My mom's laughing too, now? My dad's finishing the song as a solo? Even better. Let's give these people the show they came for.

By now, the audience was starting to really, really, really enjoy my family. There were a good amount of college students, kids, parents, and old people laughing...

...but the best part, to me, was seeing the pastor.
On the floor.
Laughing.
Not even trying to hide it.

There was one moment where I turned around, away from the audience. I was really trying to pull myself together! Then my dad grabbed my arm and spun me back around (that makes it sound super graceful and beautiful and like a lovely father-daughter moment. It really wasn't. It was a pretty violent, unsettling, angry spin.) which made me laugh EVEN HARDER.

My dad finished the song and we all ran for the pew. Yes, ran. All our dignity was long gone.

We still look at each other and holler, "SING!" every now and then. That will never get old. Thank you, Heidi!

Cinnamon and Hot Chocolate

One winter night in Kansas City, my sister and I decided to make hot chocolate. And the best way to make hot chocolate, of course, is by putting peppermint ice cream in it! We didn't have any though, so we made it the second best way: with a dollop of whipped cream and cinnamon sprinkled on top.

SO ADEQUATE.
(I'm sorry, but after you've tried it with peppermint ice cream, everything else is bland.)

We were dancing around the kitchen, making up songs, performing slapstick comedy, and engaging in other forms of tomfoolery like the dorks that we were (are) while we waited for the water to boil. (Yes, water. I know. We didn't really know better at that time.)

After it finished and we while we waited for it to cool off so we wouldn't melt our tongues off, we did more of the same dorking around.

At one point that night, I came up with The Best Idea Ever.

Me: "Heidi! Stand on that rug and I'll pull it out from underneath you. You won't fall, I promise! (I really thought she wouldn't. I truly believed everything would work out perfectly.)"

Heidi: "Are you sure?"

Me: "Of course I'm sure. Would I ask you to do something that would hurt you? (I would...because, again, in my head, it all works out perfectly.) Trust me!"

Now...I really can't say why she chose to trust me. I'm the prankster. The sibling who always, always, always came up with the most-likely-to-fail ideas. Nothing I tried ended well, ever. I loved trying things, though, and more often than not, Heidi ended up being involved somehow.

Bless her heart.

So there she stood, right in the middle of the rug with the container of cinnamon in her hand (don't ask...I don't know), looking at me with trusting eyes, and waiting for me prove that I knew exactly what I was doing.

I got down on my knees, grabbed the rug firmly in my hands, and gave it one HUGE pull.

She.
Flew.

Really, I only have one image in my head from that grand experiment: Heidi, floating in the air perfectly. It was as if she had been in a lounge chair and randomly the bottom of it fell out, but she stayed in that same position. It was PERFECT. I can't emphasize that enough.

Then she fell.
Hard.
With the cinnamon in her hand.

The container of cinnamon hit the ground the exact moment she did, exploded, and we were both surrounded by a cloud of it. That stuff is strong. And it just goes everywhere. Not fun to clean up, let me tell you!

When my mom came home later, we very casually told her we needed another container of cinnamon.
Oddly enough, she didn't question it. (The reason that's so odd is because it was a brand new container.)
But then, we also didn't tell her what all had happened until a couple years later.

As I've said before when it comes to my stories: she wasn't surprised.

Squirrel!

At one point when I was a teenager, we lived in a super nice house in Minneapolis. It was just gorgeous with TONS of space, which was perfect since there were so many of us...plus extras that came home with my brother on weekends. During the time of living there, we were trying to raise support so we could move to Kansas City, which meant that we visited a different church every weekend. Not my favorite thing, but I survived.

One Sunday night, we came home to find our living room had been absolutely trashed. It didn't look like anything had been taken, but vases had been knocked over, little glass figurines were smashed, piano music had been ruined by the water from vases, everything on the mantle was on the ground, and other random decorations were scattered across the floor. 

Immediately, we panicked big time and assumed youths had been behind it, but that didn't really make sense. That was when we noticed tiny footprints on the wall. Animal prints. Hmmm...

It all made sense quickly when we saw the squirrel frantically running across the fireplace. My dad sprang into action by shoving me and my two younger sisters into the office! Wait, what? My mom and older sister stayed out in the living room to help my dad. By standing on the couch, holding a box in front of them to protect themselves from the squirrel. Screaming.

Yes, I disobeyed a direct command by leaving the office to help my dad, but he couldn't trap a baby squirrel by himself! (Yes, it was a baby. So adorable, I know. I guess it would've been cuter in a different situation.) I grabbed the box out of my mom's hands and chased that dumb squirrel from one direction while my dad came at it from the other way with a broom. 

Success. We got it!

But in our excitement, we definitely didn't have a lid. The squirrel tasted freedom once again. Curses!

There was a large amount of time in between the last sentence and the next sentence. If it were a movie, it'd be a montage. It was a lot of shouting, screaming, jumping, grabbing, missing, swatting, throwing, and hoping, for a good half hour. Trust me, I'm sparing you by not writing down all the details.

Then, FINALLY, we got him again. I'm telling you, that was an insanely proud moment for me: SO much success! 

The squirrel was released out into the wild, never to be seen by us again. I think. I don't know, all squirrels look the exact same to me.

The next morning before school, my younger sister heard a weird noise by the tv stand. She walked over to check it out, leaned in way close to get a good look...and another squirrel we didn't know about (that was 2 shelves up) pushed a video tape out. 

It hit her on the head. 

She screamed. 

We then had the excitement of catching another squirrel to release into the wild.

Not a bad weekend.